Am I Dom? Or Sub? Or both? Or Neither?

Kinksters seem to identify themselves as a Dom or a Sub. But I don’t know what I am yet. Can’t I just have fun and let my kinks evolve?

As you start to explore the lifestyle of kink and fetish, you may be easily confused that it is all about power play and being either a Dom or a Sub. Mainstream porn does seem to firmly give this image and whilst some scenes may be titillating or arousing, don’t forget that these are mostly choreographed themes that have been pre-discussed with actors and directors. A majority of porn does stick to the rather rigid lines of Dom or Sub when, in effect, life is much more flexible.

The choice of kinks and fetishes is vast and continuously developing as people look to satisfy their fantasies, however, let’s first investigate the stereotyped Dom and Sub variations. Very simply, in BDSM, partners wish to play with the power play, either being in an alpha role, Dominant, or in a receiving role, Submissive. Maybe you think that you want to dominate someone, humiliate them and cause them discomfort, or you wish to have a Dom dominate you and make you obey his/her orders. Whilst many seasoned practitioners have firmly established roles, that are many that like to be able to ‘Switch’ to play the opposite role for some plays. So the roles really can change. However, let’s not dwell on this.

Watch BDSM & Fetish porn and see what turns you on. Some may seem totally obscure to you, but to others, they gain grateful sexual stimulation(and relief) from playing out their fantasies.

Let’s take, for example, Cross Dressing from a man’s perspective. For some men, the fantasy of dressing in lady’s lingerie and shoes is an extreme turn-on. Some guys actually have nice figures and can even look convincing. For many this is a private fantasy in the privacy of their own walls, however, others who want to share this with other like-minded cross dressers or with other males can lead to ‘Sissification’. For some cross-dressing is a lifestyle, for others a kink or fetish. The thrill of walking through a shopping street dressed as a woman is enough, whilst others may wish to have a ‘fantasy facilitator’ who compliments them on their beauty and figure. Intercourse generally takes place with the CD taking the Sub role, in effect.

Foot fetish for example does not really have roles. There are people that want to worship feet and others that allow the partner to enjoy their fantasy. For the giver, it is their chance to act their fantasy and quite probably achieve arousal and sexual gratification. The recipient enjoys extensive stimulation to their toes and the gratification of seeing their partner achieve orgasm.

Are anal play and anal sex Domination or Submissive play? Yes, it can be if forcibly but is enjoyed by both parties both the giving and the receiving leads to gratification. A Dom could insist on penetration as part of the play and a Sub could accept this whilst secretly wanting this, however other partners can create an extremely erotic play without a Dom/Sub element. Giving an enema is an extremely intimate play for both sexes and the anus is actually the only common body part that we have whatever the combination of the partners!

Golden Showers is another example of a soft fetish that every combination of partner can enjoy, both giving and receiving. Experiencing the intimacy of feeling and/or tasting each other’s urine does not require a Dom/Sub role, though it can if it is a one-way role. Some may consider golden shower to be repulsive, whilst others will incorporate it regularly into their play. This is the key to kink, as you can do what you want and not what you are forced to do!

As you let yourself explore your kinks, don’t rush to ‘label’ yourselves, especially in the black-white classification of Dom and Sub. As an evolving Dom, you will find yourself thinking, “I wonder what it would feel like to have this done to me?”. Conversely, as an acting Sub, you may be thinking how much you would like to do this to a play partner. Avoid the roles and let yourself evolve as you will have a much more open attitude and can help to fully satisfy your play partner and, in turn, assist them to satisfy you!

For example, is bi-curious a Fetish? Some may disagree, but the thrill of having a same-sex partner play is an extreme fantasy for many, especially as it crosses the straight lines of sexual distinction. A man-to-man encounter for a heterosexual male could be the ultimate kink for a male that has only experienced female partners. Yes, there can be a Dom/Sub relationship, but for most, it is the ultimate erotic fantasy of being able to play with another male body. In the majority of the play, it is mutual, it may be a one-way penetration, but it can also be with both players giving and taking penetration. Whilst the experienced partner may lead, it is not through domination. This subject has been portrayed in the male-to-male abstract, but the actions, lack of roles, and fantasy value are also just as relevant to a woman-woman play.

From the minute that you move into Bondage and Discipline arena, naturally, the differentiation of Dom and Submissive have to become apparent(one can almost imagine the scene of ‘l whip you 10 times and then you whip me 10 times’)! Whilst the Dom and Submissive roles will have been established before the play, this is a necessary clarification for the intended play. The Dom will dominate and deliver the punishment, whilst the Sub will accept this as the role that they choose. However, there is no reason why the rules cannot be reversed, in fact after the play session discusses each other’s roles and help both partners to learn as this experience will increase the intensity in future role plays. In your early stages, swap roles often, as you will both gain from this. You may then evolve into more permanent roles, but always continue to communicate ideas to enable the play and gratification for both to continue to improve.

Some very experienced Doms will occasionally switch as they desire the feelings that they inflict on their Subs. Whilst some Subs will also switch, this is generally less usual.

Whether you choose Dom, Sub, or Switch the world of BDSM will allow you to act out your fantasies and fetishes with your partner or with others. Be open-minded and an attitude of “I’ll try anything once” will gain you many new experiences, and you will probably learn that there is a lot more scope for your imagination. As you start on your journey, remain open-minded, treat others with respect and follow your kinks to evolve into the amazing world of BDSM.